YARD SALE TICKLERS

With the possible exception of bondage freaks with feather dusters, no one says, "I got tickled," anymore. But when I was a kid, before cable and MTV cooked a big pot of English stew, people spoke in the vernacular. Down South, if you got tickled, it meant something amused you. I hope you will "be tickled," by the following recounting of my more humorous yard sale adventures. I'll continue to add as the season progresses. If you're not give me a call. I got a deal on a feather duster at a sale last Saturday.

My dad and I often spend Saturdays at yard sales. The man has a mischievous smile and the soul of a leprechaun. At one sale he picked up a shot glass. The price was a nickle. He nudged me, and with a conspiratorial tone said, "Watch this." He held the glass up and asked the owner,"How much?" She told him it was five cents. He examined it closer and asked, "Will you take four cents for it?"

At another sale we bought a few items. We paid the woman and she said, "Thanks. Come back and see us." My dad, using his best robot voice, told her,"We will, the next time we are on this planet." He walked back to the car with a mechanical gait, swinging his arms while uttering,"Beep. Beep beep. Beep beep beep."

Funny yard sale sign--Big Ass Yerd Sale

I'm always looking for books at yard sales. At a recent sale, I asked the seller if he had any more books. He went in his house, and when he returned, he handed me three volumes.

"You'll want these," he said.

I thumbed through them. All three were written in Swedish. I handed the books back. "I can't use these."

The guy seemed shocked. "Why not?"

"I can't read Swedish," I said.

Seemingly stunned, the guy exclaimed, "You can't!" He took the books, shook his head in amazement, and walked away.

At a recent friends of the library sale, I meet a guy who told me he phoned in ISBN numbers to his wife. She would check Amazon, from her computer at home, and let him know whether the book was worth buying. I, on the other hand, write down the numbers of books I'm interested in, look them up at my leisure, and return to the sale should I find something of value. During the sale, the volunteer, (a woman I know) noticed he was relaying numbers via a headset phone. She politely inquired as to what he was doing. After he explained himself, she turned to me and said, "You should do that." My reply was, "I can't afford to."

She gave me a quizzical look and asked, "You can't afford a phone," to which I replied, "No. I can't afford a wife."