THE KEY TO HAPPINESS

Like most kids, my nine year old nephew Joel has more questions than I have answers. The other day he wanted to know why crows get chased by small birds. I always try to give the boy the straight scoop.

Unfortunately, he asked Spike about the birds.

Spike is my brain tumor. I named him because I got tired of referring to him as a benign acoustic neuroma brain tumor. Spike is easier. We look a lot alike, Spike and me, so I can see how my nephew confused us. Spike is not the best person to answer a young boy’s questions. His wiring is a little screwed up. And he’s no friend of the truth.

So when Joel asked Spike about the crow, Spike told him this.

“When the earth was young, Woodstock, the wizard of the wood, gave the key to happiness to the Mockingbird People. He knew they would safeguard the key, as everyone knows Mockingbirds hold no one in high esteem.
Of course, everyone wanted the key. They had all heard the song,’don’t worry, be happy’, so they sent soldiers to steal the key from the Mockingbird People.
An Opossum was dispatched, but halfway through the journey he was surprised by a wild dog. The Opossum lay down and played dead. While playing dead, he suffered a massive heart attack and died.
A tyrannosaurus was sent, but before he finished the long, arduous journey, he became extinct.
A pig was sent next. The old sow figured she could make better time flying, so she got a running start and launched herself from a high cliff. The porker dropped like a stone. As a result, people today still say, ‘when pigs fly’.
The people of the woods voted, and a fox was elected to steal the key. It is well know a fox is sly. Because of his cunning, the fox studied on how best to steal the key. He studied the ways of the Mockingbird. He charted their migratory patterns. He read everything known about their ability to imitate other people. The more the fox learned, he harder it was for him to formulate a plan. Eventually, he went mad and was last seen stealing grapes.
Finally, a crow volunteered. A shinny dingus is irresistible to crows who will steal anything not nailed down. The crow flew straight to the Mockingbird People and snatched the glinting piece of metal.
And to this day, you can still see Mockingbirds chasing Crows through the skies of the earth looking for the purloined key.

My nephew, to his credit, hasn’t repeated this to anyone.

PICTURE THIS

Last summer I bought a 35mm camera with a telephoto lens for $10.00 at a yard sale. I've shot seven rolls of film and have decided this is going to be an expensive hobby, considering I only get one decent picture for every three rolls. Good thing the camera was so cheap.
Some time back I saw a flock of twenty-five wild turkeys in my backyard. I grabbed the camera and stalked the gobblers. Turkeys are difficult to sneak up on, but I managed to get within fifty to sixty feet of the magnificent birds. They looked huge through the telephoto lens. The rising morning sun lit their plumage in an iridescent glow. I knelt behind an old gnarled oak and snapped several pics, bracketing the exposure to ensure I'd get at least one good shot. One ancient gobbler with a 12" beard strutted like a model on a runway and I entertained visions of seeing his portrait on the cover of Outdoor Life Magazine.

Fire yanked me from my fantasy. My right knee was enflamed. I was kneeling in a red ant hill. The fiery devils were swarming up my leg. I limped inside, dropped my pants, and jumped in the shower. A red river of ants swirled down the drain.

After I popped a couple of aspirin, I checked my camera to see how many more shots were left on the roll. Of course, the camera was empty. No film. No photos to submit to Outdoor Life. Just a knee full of angry red welts.
Later, after the swelling went down, I loaded the camera and took these.