MALFUNCTIONS

I bought a new computer three weeks ago. A Compaq Presario. Everything was lovely for the first two days. On day three, the Gremlins struck. My trash can icon threw itself away, Windows Defender surrendered, and my firewall burned down.

Three weeks is a long time to spend with a phone in your right hand and the left outstretched, pointing a specific finger toward the information highway. I got a bad cramp on day six.

And then last night I spent another six hours on the phone talking to a tech rep I could not understand. He had me run a system recovery, and that's when things got real hinky. Computer froze like a Pointer on the last covey of the season.

Took another hour, but we managed to thaw the mother. He assured me that all was well; or maybe he said go to hell, what with the heavy Indian dialect and all, I can't be sure.

I was ready to hang-ten on the web but my computer couldn't locate the modem. I kept shouting, "It's right beside the monitor you idiot," but the contrary cuss wouldn't listen, so I called my internet service provider.

This guy I could understand. He spoke redneck. He walked me through installing the software. When the USB driver failed to load he told me to try connecting an Ethernet cord from the modem to the computer. I told him to hang on while I crawled under the desk. I set my glasses on the floor, worked my way through a nest of cables, and found the port. I'd like to think what I did next was the result of fatigue, but I think Spike (my brain tumor's alias) played a small part in the drama which unfolded.

I tried to insert the Ethernet plug. It wouldn't fit. I jammed it in harder, but no dice. It finally dawned on me that the plug I was attempting to insert was, in fact, not an Ethernet plug at all, but rather my telephone receiver. With that, I grabbed my folded glasses, held them to my ear, and told the tech rep,"Give me a minute, I'm having trouble with the plug."